Most people listen until they get a chance to say something.
They view listening almost like a game of tennis: you hit the ball, then I hit it, then you hit it. Except that words replace the ball.
This is a shame, for listening has the potential to heal, motivate and inspire.
To illustrate, let’s consider two versions of the same conversation.
Sarah and Dave, Take One
Dave: It’s great to see you. How have you been?
Sarah: For the most part, pretty good. The kids are doing well, and Bill is going gangbusters, as usual.
Dave: That’s wonderful. Clara is a junior, right?
Sarah: Yes, she is just starting to think about colleges…
This polite and superficial conversation continues for 17 minutes.
Sarah and Dave, Take Two
Dave: It’s great to see you. How have you been?
Sarah: For the most part, pretty good. The kids are doing well, and Bill is going gangbusters, as usual.
Dave: Why “for the most part”? What else is going on?
Sarah: I don’t know. Life is good, and I’m grateful for that, but… it’s nothing. I’m just being silly.
Dave: I like silly. What else are you feeling?
Sarah: (Pauses) Well, my life feels a bit like the movie Groundhog Day. It’s like I’m just going through the motions, repeating the same day over and over.
Dave: (Smiling) Maybe you have something to learn, like Bill Murray did? You think that’s possible?
This conversation gets deeper and deeper, and continues for over an hour.
Whether he knows it or not, Dave 2 was practicing transformational listening. It’s what happens when you listen deeply to another person with the sole intention to allow them to been seen, heard and understood.
Being heard in this manner allows the other person to both enunciate and accept their feelings. It validates that such feelings exist, which in turn creates a greater likelihood that the person will process those emotions in a complete and healthy manner. It also often leads to next steps in a positive or even inspired direction.
I’ve come to realize that transformational listening is different than “effective communication”. It’s deeper and more profound. It’s also the utter absence of judgment or advice.
I’d love to hear whether you have been on either end of a transformational listening conversation. I promise to listen very carefully!
This is a wonderful illustration of transformative listening in such a short blog post! Love it and thank you! Saved it for future reference
I try to do this often in my work. I'm often speaking to people at pivotal points in their lives, both good and bad. I find that I'm able to advise them more effectively when I listen to them more intently.